What Healing Taught Me About Survival
This actually came through for me a couple of years ago, but I am sharing an updated version now as it is still so relevant for me as I step into a new era of my life. And vulnerability is so hard, especially when I have let go of the identity of the sick girl. But I realize that sharing my story along the way doesn’t mean I still have to be that person. Sharing helps me and hopefully others realize they are not alone in this world.
Oooooffff but this one was a tough hitting awareness to come to. A realization that shook me. Grief and sadness released for that part of me, that sad little girl, clinging to hope in every way.
Now mind you, all the things I have done in “negative” ways to survive and “positive” ways to survive were just that. Pure survival. My nervous system and spirit knew that the pain was too deep to feel yet and protected me in the only way it knew how. I surely missed a lot of signs along the way, but as usual my body is my greatest teacher. All illness and physical symptoms are teaching me, showing me, shouting at me. Saying, stop. Slow down. You still aren’t listening. And now hearing…finally. Again. And again.
Looking back, I can see how I developed coping behaviors to get through. Ways I numbed. Ways I avoided having to feel the pain that was there. Some of those coping strategies were clearly not in my highest good, and others looked “healthy” on the outside, but were still rooted in avoidance. At the time, I didn’t know the difference. I was just trying to survive.
When I started down the path of healing chronic illness, after a while I simply took on those seemingly “healthy” behaviors as my new coping mechanism. They gave me something to focus on, something to control, something that felt hopeful and purposeful when everything else felt overwhelming.
It’s important for me to acknowledge that it was never as simple as just stopping. These patterns were deeply ingrained, and they served a purpose when I didn’t yet have the capacity to feel what was underneath them. I also know I couldn’t have seen or unwound any of this on my own, it required support, reflection, and being held in ways I didn’t yet know how to do for myself.
I’m still working on meeting myself with compassion as I see this more clearly. And I am still deeply working on forgiving myself in many areas. Because the truth is, I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time. My nervous system patterns were way stronger than I realized. Far too often. The good news is, I now know that these patterns can be changed and rewired.
For me, a huge part of what I did to numb was any and all the healing tools, supplements (oh the supplements), strict food protocols and elimination diets, modalities, practitioners, books, courses, coaches, and on and on and on and on it went. Seeking a “fix.” To be very clear, I truly know that all of these things have led me to my passions, my soul mission that continues to evolve, and an incredible amount of amazing connections and experiences. Beauty and joy I didn’t know existed. Deep gratitude for life and a love felt deeply in my heart.
However, I also look back at this and see myself clawing the side of the mountain, doing whatever it took to keep going. Struggling instead of living. Not allowing any grace, flow, or ease into this process. And nearly losing everything, including myself.
The irony is I was trying SO hard to have a good life that I have nearly missed most of mine. And even though I know, deep down, that it was what I had to do to survive, that it was too soon to let the pain in, that I might not have made it without these things, to be honest, I’m still working through that grief and guilt in this next phase of forgiveness.
As I approach almost 6 years of this particular leg of the 20-year healing journey, I am thankful for what I learned from those “pandemic” years. For what they taught me. For bringing me to my knees for so long. For making it impossible to do anything other than stop. For stripping me of all my usual defenses. For nearly taking everything. For bringing me back to me.
These days I am choosing joy. I choose my truth. I love learning and growing. I am a passionate student, a lifetime learner, and I will always be devoted to this path, to true well-being and to bringing others into that. To guide and teach. But now I choose to do so in love. With full dedication to grace, flow, and ease.
Now I choose to live. To participate in life where I can. To find the simple joys in every day. In loving myself, being a wife, aunt, sister, friend, daughter, cousin, and kind human. To participate in soul-filled communities. To surround myself with beauty and books and music and laughter. And to spread this in my everyday life.
My wish for anyone reading this is to know that there is hope. And I believe, to my very core, that a life of alignment and feeling good is so possible and I work on it every day. Not rushing or forcing, but trust the knowing that we are so much more powerful than we may know.
Namasté